Sometimes Australia by The Shins comes on while you’re walking and it causes you to reevaluate your entire life.

Let me explain.

I dropped my phone in water again Friday, so I’ve been without music/texting.  It’s not so bad, but I miss my music when going on a walk longer than 5 minutes.  So I dug out my old ipod that I haven’t updated in well over three years or so.  It was low on battery, so I just put it on shuffle and let it play, trying not fiddle with it and make it last as long as possible.  Australia by The Shins came on, and maybe it had something to do with the sunlight on my eyelashes and the soft click of my boots while walking, but I got really into it and realized that it’s been so long since I listened to The Shins, as well as a lot of the music on there.  I began reflecting on who I was three years ago, trying to figure out if I’m still that girl.  And I couldn’t make up my mind. 

On one hand, I can confidently say I am much more certain of who I am, and self-assured.  I’ve developed into a rich and interesting person, and I’m proud of myself.  On the other hand, that girl from three years ago is more “me” than I’ve felt in a while.  If I were to self-reflect, I think I would identify more with her.  It’s hard to explain, but I related to the songs and was like, I remember exactly what it felt like to listen to this song and feel the acute ache of understanding.  I recalled all the same things that these songs used to make me feel.  As weird as it sounds, I miss those feelings.  I miss the wonder and excitement, when I wasn’t quite sure yet of where I was headed and all the wonders I contained. 

Photobooth by Death Cab for Cutie came on next and I remembered what it felt like to have a “favorite band” for that brief time, back when I was too oblivious to be embarrassed.  I liked what I liked, and I was blissfully unaware of the quips about them crooning to melodramatic teenagers.  I was a girl who loved Death Cab, Perks of Being a Wallflower, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and I did so freely.  I was so much more free with my emotions.  To be honest, I almost feel like I HAD more emotions in general.  I miss that rush, and there is nothing that can substitute for it.  There is no drug or food or person that can make you feel free and powerful in your total ability to feel.

This has been a ramble.  A really important one, personally.  Sorry if it made no sense, there really is no resolution.